the background called my love life.

I feel like you deserve a personal apology.
Except for the fact that when I say personal, I mean all of you...
because with this little heart the stories tend to end up the same..

My name is Brittney and I get really really excited when I think about marriage and having my own little family one day. I also have a heart that loves too quickly and too deeply.
It's a perfect little picture in my head, and very apparently too good to be true. But still, I feel like I've worked to become the person who would deserve the man I dream of, so I suppose I'll keep dreaming until it's a reality.
I also think I know exactly what my husband will be like. Clearly that's also super naive and unrealistic of me, but I have that little picture in my head.. and every now and then I meet someone who just maybe it would work with, and sometimes they don't fit that little mold, but my heart trips anyway.
Maybe you were my best best guy friend and I loved to flirt with you, or you were everything I wanted, like you fit the description perfectly, or you made me so unbelievably happy that I couldn't help but let myself fall into a relationship with you, because normal friendships don't give you butterflies and unexplainable happiness.
But then somewhere along the way, it would click in my mind that whatever we were, or were trying to be, just wasn't clicking, probably making me seem like the most shallow human-being in the world. Because sometimes it was as simple as waking up one random morning with the realization, this isn't it. and I dreaded it.. that moment and that realization, and avoided it at all costs, and for some reason it always still came.

Can I try to defend the shallowness of it though? Because when I woke up, or kissed you, or flirted with your best friend, or whatever the situation was, I didn't love you any less in that moment. Not at all actually.. If anything I loved you more. I just realized it wasn't quite right.. and maybe one day in our future's the bumps will smooth over or we'll grow differently, and you know that potentially could be back towards each other, but that moment of realization was knowing I shouldn't waste your time...
Because why should I pretend to be the one for you after I had already realized I wasn't... am I justified in saying that?

JJLRKC